Thursday, August 1, 2013

Dearest Customers,

You seem to be unclear on a few points of how retail stores work.  I want to clarify them for your edification, and perhaps we will not have to have this argument again.

1)  I can only check inventory for MyBrand stores.  I make no guarantee of knowing what competitor stores carry, because I don't shop there, I shop at MyBrand so I can A) contribute to store sales and B) have educated responses on MyProduct.  I make no guarantee of how competitor products work. We are in a MyBrand store. I am paid by MyBrand to get you to buy MyBrand. I don't know what the Other Store Down The Road has. I have no computer access to the Other Store Down The Road. I'm not paid to call Other Store Down The Road and find things out for you.

2) I hold very little merchandise "in the back". Mostly because it's a postage stamp, and also, because I want to sell what we have to you. My goal is to get ALL THE THINGS into your hands, your homes, and out of your wallet.

3) We're not friends. I don't want to date you. I'm paid to take your money and make you feel good about it. Most of you are pleasant and help keep this job enjoyable. Some of you think my smile means anything more than "buy something." That's not how this works.

4) If you find an associate to be "pushy", all you have to do is say "No" or "No Thanks" or "I'm good" or anything else that means you won't be taking the product. We are tasked to add on and upsell. The company wants us to add on and upsell. We can get fired for not adding on or upselling. Also, it works. Just say no, I won't take it personally or make it awkward, I will move on. I might try something else, because I have to, but you can say no to that too. It's only as awful as you make it.

5) #4 goes triple for store cards, preferred-customer programs, giving phone numbers or email addresses or zip codes or any of it. Just say no and move on.

6) When it's closing time, finish up what you're shopping for and get out. You're draining our payroll by keeping us attending to you especially if you don't give us any return on investment.

7) I know you'd probably shop here more if your kid worked here, or if you worked here. Please stop calling to get a job. We take applications, review applications, and then the manager interviews and hires. The manager has never been badgered into hiring. The manager is actually quietly sadistic and enjoys it when crazy people demand jobs. She also doesn't want to get sued so she gives no information over the phone except when she's calling to offer someone.

8) You really don't need to apologize for your shopping behavior. If you spend a bunch of money, browse around more, and then spend a half-a-bunch money more in 20 minutes, I am not going to refuse the transaction. Do what you're going to do, as long as you're out by close.

9)  But be aware, I'm not your servant. I'm a salesperson. The only difference between me and a used-car salesman is that I don't have any cars in my store. I may be ringing you up, but I am not here to play step-n-fetch, personal assistant, or cleaning lady. My business is selling MyBrand, not picking up your two-year-old's cheerios.

I hope this clears up a little bit for you.

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