Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Dear Front Line Retail Employees

Dear Front-Line Retail Employees,

Hi.  I'm your boss.  Maybe I'm not your boss, but I am a boss, and I am going to tell you how to excel at your jobs.

Here's my job, and this is a job I take great pride in.  My job is to write your schedule, ensure all day to day operations are running smoothly, ensure you have everything you need, and make sure you're doing your jobs.

It is MY JOB to make sure you're doing YOUR JOB.

Just because you don't like it, or it's not very glamorous, or you think it's stupid or wrong or whatever, you still have to do it, and it's my ass if you don't.  If you piss off a customer, I have to smooth things over so he doesn't complain to corporate.  If you guys make a mess, I have to clean it up, or ensure you're cleaning it up. If someone is late, or doesn't show up, I have to cover it. And nobody thanks me for it.

If I ask you to stay late because someone else didn't come in, I'm a bitch.  If I ask you to clean up, I'm a tyrant.  If I placate a pissed off customer, I don't have your back. Any criticism I level in your direction happens because I am worse than Hitler. But the very moment I fuck something up, it is ON.

I'm trying to run a business here.  If you're not down, you need to get out. I will keep doing my job, and please get behind yours.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Jabberwocky

Dear Local Grocery Store,

I have a serious complaint about an employee at your store.

The night cashier at your store quite possibly gives the worst service I have ever seen. The thing about customer service is that one actually has to read their customers, realize what they want, and respond accordingly.

Maybe I'm an anomaly in this day and age, but when I go to a grocery store, to pick up toilet paper, cat food, salt, and other random necessities, I want to get my shit and leave. I want to pay for it and go on about my life.  I don't want a cashier awkwardly commenting on my condom choice. Some people like that, I don't.

The other day, I almost shot her in the face.  I was in a long line, and she was the only cashier open.  After getting a woman with a $200 order through the line, she turned her attention to the guy directly in front of me, and proceeded to chitchat. She started on his clearance garlic bread, and then they moved on to his dinner plans, what his wife is doing, what his friends are doing... all the while, I was standing there, my feet aching from a long day at my job, and casting wistful looks at the self-checkout not ten yards away.  All I wanted was to buy my single roll of paper towels and scrub brush and go home, to rest and recuperate from another long day.

Rest was not to be had for awhile.  After she rung him up, I got to my spot in line, and she started chitchatting with the guy behind me. And then Mr. Clearance Garlic Bread decided that his garlic bread hadn't been cheap enough, and started kicking up a fuss after she scanned my paper towel roll. She stopped all operations and chitchat, and started reviewing his receipt... all while in the middle of my transaction. She told him, "I'll get you taken care of, hon..." and then turned back towards the register, and looked at my order, and looked at me.  She was within two seconds of asking me to wait, when I just glared. She decided to scan my scrub brush then, and asked for my rewards card. Since this isn't my first time in a store, I had already put it in, and if I was bitchy when I snapped that it was already in there, just total me up already, I apologize. I just could not handle two more seconds of the BEST DAMN CASHIER IN THIS WHOLE JOINT MAKING FRIENDS ALL OVER MY PAPER TOWELS.

Not every customer wants to be treated with customer service out the ass.  Some people just need a place to hand money. I'd shop online for things that I need right now if they'd instantly materialize on my doorstep, but since that hasn't happened yet, I am occasionally stuck patronizing your business.  Maybe you should consider letting a quiet customer continue her night unmolested.

Leave me alone,


Friday, July 5, 2013

Dear Psycho

Dee Dee,

I'm sorry, but I am never going to forgive you for how terribly you treated me while I was at my most vulnerable.  You demanded an endless supply of attention, validation, and emotional support, when I had very little to give another person. And you never once reciprocated. Every moment was about you, what you did, what you liked, what you were interested in, and you never once so much as asked what I thought. Even a simple "how are you" would ahve gone a long way. When I would express my opinion, you just railroaded right past it like I was pennies on a train track. But it's not like you cared. You were lying to me every moment.

You lied about everything... even things as basic as your name, your gender, and your voice. I called, and you had your husband answer the phone. Not that I knew he was your husband, of course.

And then, you had the audacity to misunderstand why I wanted my distance. You were actually surprised that I didn't want anyhting to do with you afterwards. Shocked, even.

Well, bitch, when the truth finally came crashing down around you, I was left feeling hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, and utterly alone. I cried for days. And all you considered was the fact that you lost a source of narcissistic supply.

And I never told you this, but when you sent me the actual picture of yourself, before you admitted the truth, I didn't realize you were a woman.

To the Worst Boss Ever

Dear Kurt,

I have no idea how you are in the position you're in.  You're supposed to be running this place, but all you do is sit in the back and play with your phone.  We can't say that you're even doing anything there. You're not keeping an eye on the metrics, you're not doing paperwork, you're not doing ANYTHING.

And when you do get your fat ass out on the sales floor, all you do is play around with your favorites and ignore the rest of us.  Or abuse the rest of us. Either way, this isn't management.  This is bullshit.

I got real tired of all of your antics, and that's why I'm quitting.  I got tired of you telling me that I'm "going to be fired" if a bad secret shop comes through, even though several did come through and you never followed up on your threat.  Or "going to be fired" if a task I was never trained on was done incorrectly. Or "going to be fired" if my staff (which I had next to no say in hiring) failed to perform according to your ever-shifting goalposts.

And now... you say you'd never break bread with me, because I don't visit you?  Maybe I don't visit you BECAUSE I HATE YOU!

Please die,


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