Friday, September 20, 2013

Dear People Who Are Not Being Invited To My Wedding,

Hi.  It's the bride.

So, there's been some blowback towards me and Groom about how you're not invited, and that's sooooo fucked up, and that's soooooo unfair, and we're not friiiiieeeennnnnds anymooooooore and don't we care about faaaaaaaaaaaamily or the chiiiiiiiiiiiildruuuuuuun and all this noise, and whyyyyyyyy, my god, whyyyyyyyyyy?  WHYYYYYYYY?

Well, here's your answer!

1) It's not unfair.  I haven't been in elementary school for a long time, and I don't have to invite everyone in the class or keep it a secret. It's an event that's about the wedding between Groom and I.  We've decided to keep it small so we can pay for it ourselves, and we've chosen our nearest and dearest  friends and family to share it with.

2)  If you're our friend and we didn't invite you, this doesn't mean that we don't like you. It means that we are just closer to other people.  I mean, when was the last time you called, texted, emailed, or saw one of us?  If it's been over a  year, don't expect an invitation. We reserved those for people who have laughed with us, cried with us, helped us move, helped us find jobs, helped us feel better after a bad day, who have opened their hearts to us and been true friends in every way.  If we just get drunk every so often, or I just see you at a hobby we both do, that's not really true closeness. Sorry.

3)  If you're an old friend and trying to hold me to some promise I made before puberty to be bridesmaids in each other's weddings... have I spoken to you since high school?  No?  Have you even met the groom?  No?  So... what's the deal?  I don't even know you anymore.

4)  Family. Okay, I know that blood is thicker than water (supposedly) but some of you are awful. It's just a fact... some of you are composed entirely of pus, and we don't want you anywhere near us.  Some of you haven't seen either of us since before college, and haven't met the other person getting married. Some of you couldn't pick us out of a lineup. If I don't know you, don't know anything about you, and have no idea if you'd even be interested in attending our event, it is not a slight.

5)  People with kids.  We aren't kid friendly people. We're not paying for a kid friendly venue or kid friendly event. And we have invited several people that do have children, but understand that their kids aren't invited to absolutely everything. You, however, have demonstrated you can't be trusted, and will unleash your poorly behaved offspring on us no matter what we try to tell you.  Parent however way you choose, it's no hair off my ass if you're "Raising Up A Child" or doing the attachment-parent extended-breastfeeding indigo-children thing or whatever.  They're not welcome, and if you have a track record of bringing them places they're not welcome, neither are you.

6)  Facebook people.  Just because you friended me out of the blue and occasionally like my status updates, or Groom's muscle-flexing pictures (hey, you have good taste), that doesn't make us besties.  I don't even know where you live.  Is it in this state?

7)  People that we've had a falling-out with.  This is perhaps the most ridiculous group of people that I've heard backlash about our small wedding and our limited invite list from, because it makes absolutely no sense.  You think Groom is a dick.  You think I'm a blonde-headed bitch. And one (or both) of us thinks the same of you. ON WHAT UNIVERSE WOULD IT MAKE SENSE FOR ME TO INVITE YOU?  You think I want you to write nasty remarks in our guestbook or get drunk on our tab for free? I've given you your space. Please respect mine.

8)  Finally, people that have awkward FEELINGS for either of us.  There are only a couple of you, but we've both been keeping our distance from you because you can't stop staring at one of us like we're on the menu.  You're good people, but we're not about to give you a venue to let it be known how much you LURVE one member of the wedding party.

To sum up, Groom and I have worked hard on an event that is just the way we want to be married.  We worked hard to make a guest list that reflected this, and all of the people on it are those that we love. Yes, it sucks that you don't get to go to something you really wanted to, but this wedding is not about your tender little fee-fees. The only fee-fees that are important to us at this juncture are our own. Sorry, it's the truth. Hope you're willing to catch up after, but if you aren't, well, I guess we'll have to live with that.


The Bride

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