You're really a terrible roommate.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with you ever again. Your cat has cost me a lot of money with everything it's peed on, and your laissez-faire attitude towards the utilities has cost us our cable and internet.
You're unemployed more than you're employed, you bitch about not having friends in the area but you don't make any effort. You're always around, and you never shut up for five minutes. Everything I do is in some way about you... if I get a good job, you bemoan your terrible luck. If I'm in a relationship, you wail about your lack of an SO (even though you don't really want one). You're always the victim, you've never done a thing wrong, and everyone is out to get you.
I've heard your complaints about me too, so I know I'm not perfect. I'm never around (because I'm tired of you being all over the apartment and I need space), I'm messy (legit, you knew this), I don't clean (because I'm never around), and everything I do is wrong (even though I've been more successful at work, have a thriving relationship, two well-adjusted cats that don't pee on everything, pay the bills on time, and can afford to live by myself). I'm the awful one. I get that.
Well, you won't have to deal with my messy incompetent ass anymore, so please be grateful. Me? I'm going to hang out in my own place, where it's quiet and peaceful, without you lolling all over my sofa while half-dressed and sweaty.